Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I think unconditional love is a myth.Love is about laying down conditions and adhering to those conditions.All the examples of unconditional love that we hear of are untrue,and whats sickening about them is that they are often exalted as the most pure,unpolluted form of love.
Say,for instance ,the love of a parent for a kid.That's supposedly unconditional.Its as if being a mother automatically makes you a sublime and noble creature by default.But why ? The same with being a dad.But don't parents 'expect' you to behave like they want ? Don't most parents want you to take care of them when they are old ? Its this hypocrisy associated with parents in our country that I cannot stand.
The love between two people .I could write entire books about that.A girl is expected by the guy to be eternally beautiful,perfect to a 'T'.She's to be cultured,the epitome of all virtues in the world,and yeah,a virgin.Its not the girl you are in love with but what you want her to be.Its the same with the guys.A guy is expected to be chauvinistic,and doting.He is to be her 'Man Friday',ready to be at her beck and call.And they tarnish the word by saying that they are in 'love' with each other.
I was lucky to be in a relationship with a girl who was none of the above.She was caring,but not because she felt obligated to do so.She could lead her life by her own but was more than happy to have me by her side.She required no one in her life and yet she made me feel like the happiest guy in the world.
The only unconditional love that i think exists ,is the relation that we share with our pets.I do not understand when people say "My pet is amazing.She can sense when I am feeling low". She can't.But she loves you all the same.But we are so caught up in our own worlds,our own segregation of everything into good and bad,into right and wrong,high and low,that we fail to realise their importance when we are happy.

Love is the largest franchise in the world.People sell their ideas of love ,and we foolishly but it ,taking their word for what it is supposed to be like.Unconditional love,I repeat,is an Utopian myth.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Pappu CAN dance.saala !!!

I do not understand the need for pet names.Especially,in India.Its much easier in the West.William is Bill,Matthew is Matt,and Andrew is Andy.Its simple,when u know a guy,you know what his pet name will be.But we guys,what do we do with all our suppressed creativity ? We give our kids stupid pet names !!!!I have been called many names.SHR at school,sometimes Sai,or Hriday,or Ranjan.Even my normal name is problematic.People frown when i tell them my name is 'Sai Hriday Ranjan'.I think its got a pagan ring to it.Those who donot frown,give me weird spellings.I have got versions like 'Syed Ridday Ranjan' and 'Saiya Ritwik Ranjan'.But its my pet name that's my 'Achilles' Ball'.Guys around my home call me "Pappu".Now, the world has generally been unfair to 'Pappu's.Amitabh Bachhan rejoices when 'Pappu finally pass ho gaya'.To add insult to injury,Aamir Khan now has a song that says "Pappu cant dance,saala".Pappu means 'daal' in Telugu and when I go to Andhra,people wonder why anyone would name their kid 'daal' ?? "Why did they name you that ?",they ask, half expecting an exciting story of how when i was a kid,I ate a lot of 'daal'.But they are disappointed when I tell them its just a name.But with all these insults,I am happy with the name. At least they do not know what my actual name is.Its disgusting,and makes me feel like a stray puppy.I am considering taking legal action for naming me that.What's it? Well,don't laugh.Its "Puppu" !!!!

The 'Kissing' guide

This one is especially dedicated to KSS.i had asked him last year,:dude,have u kissed ur gal?".he said,"no,man.she's a nice girl".that set me thinking.So,KSS,this one's for u.ANybody having doubts can ask here.....

1.Nice girls DO kiss : This is not actually a tip,more of mental conditioning.If you think good girls dont kiss,thats probably the reason u havent been kissed by now.All girls kiss.PERIOD.It all depends on when and how u make ur first move.In a dark hall watching an SRK movie may be bad idea as she's busy ogling at that asshole with six packs anyway.But overall,kissing in a hall is not a great idea.For all u know, u may be in the middle of some serious kissing,and the jerk sitting 2 rows behind u shouts "Lage Raho,Bhai"And remember,like everything in life,first move is the most important move.If u screw up ur first time,there's little chance she'll want to try it a second time with u.

2.EMRAAN HASHMI IS A BAD KISSER : If u are trying to watch boring Emraan Hashmi flicks to learn to kiss,let me tell u he;s a very bad kisser.If at all u wanna learn by watching, u may be better off watching aamir khan in Raja Hindustani.Moreover,kissing ( at least the 1st time) isnt as glam as they show it in Hollywood flicks.Remember ,those bastards start kissing from the age of 6-7 ! Sou dont have to torture uself thru 3 hours of Aashiq Banaya Aapne just to learn how to do it.

3.BAD BREATH - STRICT NO-NO : Remember,the most important thing is to avoid smelling like an early man while trying to kiss.At the same time,avoid over-enthusiastically popping 3-4 chlormints to smell fresh.It'll make her feel like she's kissing a Pudina plant.Things to be avoided at least half an hour before ur moment of glory : alcohol,cigarettes,toothpaste,fish,prawn,and raw onions.Also remember,love may be blind,but it can smell alright.So,use those wonderful inventions called 'deodorants' generously !!!

4.CHEESY LINES ARE OK : Remember the line " No pain,no gain " ? So,to get a girl to kiss for the first time,make sure you are Cupid personified.To put it simply,dish out cheesy crap.Girls always fall for crap like "You've got the prettiest eyes in the world",even if they are light years away from the truth !!But on the day u plan to make ur move,make her feel special.Talk to her like you're really in love.Checking out other chicks while with her is a BAD idea.remember guys and girls' notion of 'cool' are different.For girls,boring is 'cool'.Eye contact is a must.Though you may be tempted to look at more attractive parts,get your priorities right !!!

5.AVOID TOUNGUE-ING THE FIRST TIME : "Tounge-ing" the first time is a risky proposition.If u are unsure,stay out of it.Its only a sloppy way of kissing invented by the French.U can kiss without using ur toungue as well,so take it slow.Brutal kissing is not a sign that you are a monster in bed,so leave the wild kissing to Emraan Hashmi.be sauve,slow,and in control.Avoid improvisations.If there was a better way to kiss,the world would know of it by now.So keep in simple.Like Ravi Kumar Sir would say, "Practice makes the perfect of man."

WHERE TO GO : Public parks are a bad idea.for starters , u may be the target of shiv sena or bajrang dal people who will ruin ur date.or,some sting operations by India TV may make u an overnight celebrity.Pubs are amazing places to kiss.Everyone is drunk,nobody gives a damn.and u can always say that u were drunk the previous night and get away with it the next day.An expensive restaurant is the best option.WHAT TO WEAR : If you are planning to wear that bright yellow shirt with the red pants,u may as well try kissing the nighbourhood cow !!!! Only Rajni Kanth has the balls to carry off something like that.and remember,even he wears a dhoti at home.so leave out the loud colours.If you are worried about ur excess weight,wear black.it makes people look slim.also,avoid wearing pleated trousers and striped shirts if u are overweight,it accentuates ur beer-belly.If in doubt,stick to the safest option,white shirt and denim jeans,works anyday !

AT THE RESTAURANT : If you are going in a 4 wheeler,remember to open the door for her.Its a must. Sit comfortably.Allow her to place her order.decide beforehand what u want to have.at least the main categories.like whether u want to have something in rice,or naan,or chinese.have a brief idea.after she places her order,dont say "I'll have the same".place ur order.If you are unsure,ask the waiter what the item is.trust me,some of the flashiest names in menus are utter crap.If she wants something,u can serve it urself.But if u are uncomfortable,u can always call the waiter and ask him to serve. If you are unsure about the fork and the knife,use your hand.DOnt follow ettiquette suggested in websites as there is no fixed way to eat.there are about a million ways and u'll end up being confused.But if you are planning to go the firangi way,remember,chopping and cutting with the right hand and the fork with the left hand.Say "excuse me" if u burp.If u fart,well,u may as well go home.coz forget kissing,thank god she hasnt kicked u in the balls yet !!!

WHAT TO TALK : One topic u can avoid is cricket.She doesnt give a damn who your favourite cricketer is.Girls HATE cricket.EVen if she does like it,every guy in the country like it too.We are trying to b "different" here,remember ? Be an attentive listener.MOst Girls are dead boring.Laugh at her jokes.YES,even if they are dreadful.Get her involved in the conversation.If you have nothing to talk,u may as well score some browny points by giving her compliments.girls can never have enough of those.So,u can use something like , "You have such pretty eyes,I bet u hardly use any make-up".Say that to her inspite of the fact that she looks as if she's come to participate in a face-painting competition !!!! Or u can use this,works everytime.Start off casually,and say that u know how to read palms.Then slowly take her hands and utter crap like " u'll hav a sensitive guy in ur life,u'll b happy " blah blah blah.If she pulls away her hand,forget it.Either she's a lesbian ,or u r hideously bad-looking !!!!

NO GIRL IS 'TOO GOOD' FOR YOU : Confidence is the key.If u get into it thinking she is way out of your league,thats the wrong approach.Unlike us,looks arent the only things for girls.If that was the case,lets face it,half of us would die virgins !!! So ,if u like her,go get her.Or at least give her a sign.Just praying or spending time alone ;) thinking of her is not going to help.and waise bhi,if salman rushdie can patao padma lakshmi,we arent that bad !!!! :)

BE READY TO SPLURGE : remember the story tat ram mohan sir taught us,'the christmas carol'? remember if the old miser had a chick by his side ????exactly my point.U gotta spend ,dude.and i dont mean like thousands in xpensive places.but be smart.choose something thats fun,as well as light on the pocket.

WHAT TO DO AFTER THE FIRST DATE : make her feel that u had a great time.ask her if u can see her again.again.hold the door open for her.send her a msg in the night tht u had a great time.If u have a wild streak,offer to go to salsa classes together.trust me,with salsa,theres always action coming anytime soon...and remember the three magic words.......PAY THE BILL !!!!!